@cstross Then you haven't actually looked at the language since then, and it shows. Modern PHP looks nothing like Perl, has strong typing, the best package manager of any language (seriously), and much, much more.
And you got your facts wrong. 95 was when the first release happened. PHP 4 was in 2000, and had OOP features.
Love your work, but this is an uninformed opinion based on a knee-jerk reaction to the news today. You can do better.