Conversation

To be crystal clear, no, I do not mean that suddenly we should force spaces everywhere to be coed without deep and fundamental changes in culture, rules, and how rules are enforced. I chose the word "rapey" because that covers ALL of the behaviors. If anyone (regardless of gender) so much as jokes about touching anyone else without consent, they should be "put in the box," where they're not allowed to be near anyone until some successful process of remediation has been completed.

And that's going to take generations.

But much longer if we don't start imagining that world right now. Which was my intent. Which was my lightbulb moment this morning of "this is ass-backward — why in the hell does it have to be this way in the first place?"

In short, gender is a construct. The way it's constructed now is bullshit. I do not believe men as a class are biologically wired to be rapey. I think (with a few exceptions), culture and NOT biology has made men this way. I'm questioning the aspects of our culture that we take for granted which are not healthy for anyone. I'm appealing to any men who care to take this personally and take it up as a common cause.

This isn't a troll. These are things I actually believe. And I'm glad I believe them. These are hard-won beliefs after a lifetime of pain, careful examination, discussion, and listening to a wide variety of voices. I'm willing to calmly discuss the nuances of my position, but at the core it is simple:

Men don't have to be rapey.

This shouldn't be controversial to anyone, but especially not to anyone on the left.

I'm not going to delete a thread because one person misunderstood it.

I am willing to cop to how in my haste and emotionality I worded some posts that are easy to misunderstand. I am willing to edit to make my actual meaning more clear. I am even willing to delete if I actually *said and meant* something that I've been corrected on.

But if I mean one thing, and you get mad at me because you *think* I meant something else, and especially if you continue to insist that I meant it the way you took it, I will not delete the thread. I know what I intended and I edited to make my intent more clear. I'm willing to edit further, but I will not delete.

Especially as an autistic person who has been chronically misunderstood my whole life, and who has had abusers and bullies intentionally misunderstand me in order to hurt and manipulate me into doing things I didn't want (including sex). This is one thing I will not bend on, especially as a victim of the core topics I'm discussing here (transphobia, misogyny, and SA).

The closest summary of this thread I can write is: Men should stop being rapey so that everyone can relax and both feel and be safe wherever they are, no matter who they are with. So that the weight of protecting women from rape does not fall to innocent trans and nonbinary people.

That is the core message.